The holiday season can be a very active time for many people. I don’t think you can be too prepared, especially not in 2020. The period leading up to Thanksgiving is simply zero. Of course, you work long weekends, but putting a full working week aside for two and a half days can be cruel. You probably do your best and take every precaution to avoid having to answer emails, make phone calls or even go to the office. This year may be different if you follow my plan for Thanksgiving week.
Step 1: Surroundings during a power failure
Wednesday at 2:30, you leave work, it’s raining… Is that bullshit? NO. Time alone, who cares? You don’t have to, because that’s when you’re sitting in your car, on your way home, blowing up The Boys Are Back In Town and thinking about how you’re going to be destroyed in about seven hours.
Hurry up, now you’re home and you’ve got two, no, three beers in the shower. Pull on the speaker bars. At this point you’re ready to pull out the arrow and run through the damn wall. After showering you are clean, relaxed and stress-free. Get some sleep. Three beers deep, nothing else in the stomach, and the desk on the tube just beats differently.
Photo : Hannah Lynn
Step 1, Part 2: Start time
124 minutes later, he wakes up anesthetized and clicks… it’s time! It’s 5:30 in the evening, you jump out of bed like Sean Michaels during a chicken-up, and now your life is transformed into an 80s movie set. Levels by Avicii works very hard as you walk around the house looking for the best clothes for your walks. Beer flows, there are group discussions going on and your Uber is 14 minutes away.
Step 1, Part 3: Fuse and charged
Uber drops you off at a bar, advises you to spend a great evening and asks for a strong man who doesn’t drive. Thanks for not taking Tony La Russa off the line.
They walk into a bar, see Ron Luce, who has already asked the DJ to play T.I.’s What You Like, and notice how excited the bouncers are already. That’s very good.
Step 1, Part 4: Follow him
You fainted in hell.
Step 2: Approvals
Once the clock starts ticking at midnight on Wednesday, it’s technically Thanksgiving. We decided to ignore it by drinking until 2 a.m., quenching our thirst in the old and faithful Château Blanc and stumbling through the back door to calm down. Whatever you feel in five minutes, your alarm clock will go off and you’re ready to throw your phone against the wall. That group discussion was crazy, and you slept like a baby. Oh, yeah, you forgot the turkey jug.
Step 2, Part 2: Turkey shell
Still not 100%, you’re going to the soccer field. White Castle’s heartburn and burps are already the most effective defender on the field, slowing down your work. They play for 20 minutes, two boys have already stopped, one has vomited and the other may not be breathing. But not you, and not the M.V.P. Record League. You’re as tough as the guy who didn’t drink last night. You wave, you lie on the ground without knowing you have bowel contact, or you have a heavy box of swamp shavings. Time to hang up your boots.
Step 2, Part 3: Recovery period
They came back from that terrible attempt at athletics and can barely walk. There’s no running. It doesn’t matter. It’s time for breakfast. Pounds of bacon, sausage, eggs and French toast. No pancakes, waffles or cereal today. We’re happy today. You sit down with your family and watch the Black Friday commercial. Once you’ve seen the ads for weapons, tools and pickaxes for next year’s turkey bowl, sleep on the parade. You’re waking up confused: I don’t even like parades. It’s soccer time, baby! It’s time to see the Cowboys and Lions lose. By the way, but not quite. Deep sleep is back on the agenda.
Photo : Dave Hogg/Flicker
Step 2, Part 4: Fixed time
Thanksgiving dinner is on our side. You strategically choose the location of the main refrigerator and access to the bathroom. After dinner you sit on the couch with a soccer ball and your pants are not unbuttoned because you are not a pagan in jeans or khaki. The sweat broke, and the surprise is that you fell asleep with Againe. You only have seven minutes in that time, but it’s okay. You can hear the crackling of a Jameson bottle on the other side of the house. You tweet a picture that says #CrackUm when you come back at night. The woman is crazy.
Step 3: Black Friday
You wake up at a ridiculous hour to go shopping. They hate shopping. It’s 4 in the morning, you’re angry, you freeze and you die for another coffee to fight another hangover. You’re whispering to yourself: Why do I have to pay for Amazon Prime? Your wife makes you look dirty. I mean, it’s almost noon. It’s time to go home and open the beer. I mean, wrapping up the Christmas presents.
We all have a safe and eventful week’s vacation. Put on masks, be kinder with people, and no, you don’t need a whole case of thirsty White Castle! Happy Thanksgiving from Family On Tap!
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